Five Things to Look for in a New Relationship

So you have just suffered a brutal breakup, but you are ready to return to dating. You may be feeling rusty. What should you be seeking this time to avoid feeling disappointed once again in the future?

1. Find someone who cherishes you. People do best in relationships where they feel loved and appreciated for who they are rather than being badgered to change into someone they are not. Valuing the other person is key. Every couple has a unique story of how they met or connected, and that is often where the closeness derives. Try to keep this in mind during the ups and downs of a relationship as that initial attraction may remind you of what you like about your significant other.


2. Search for a partner who is open to communicating with you. When your boyfriend speaks, you must really be with him in that moment - willing to listen closely - and not just bracing to make your own point. Sometimes communication styles may be different. Your partner may be loud and you may be more quiet. These discrepancies do not have to cause division. Both parties must be willing to work with various styles and not assume that these distinctions are problematic in and of themselves. We need to not only hear their words but also reflect on their meaning and just be with them in their world without judgment. Couples therapist Nancy Hyatt says your partner must be "someone whom you are willing to cross the bridge to reach."


3. Pursue a person with whom you are excited to share new experiences. If you simply try to do the same things you used to enjoy, you may feel that you are not building memories with your new partner. Remember the film Annie Hall, when Woody Allen tries to cook lobster with a new girlfriend, and he does not have half as much fun as he had with Diane Keaton? Go out to new restaurants, try other activities and travel to different places! Making new memories will bring you a lot of joy.


4. Pick a significant other with whom you want to brave the storm. Conflict is a necessary part of relationships and often a good thing because healthy connections include rupture and repair in order for a couple to grow together over time. It is unrealistic to believe that you will not fight. The best kind of relationships are those in which you both can argue and have difficulties, but patch them up quickly. If you avoid dissension, you may feel calm, but there are undoubtedly lots of eggshells lying along your path that you are taking pains to evade. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule such as abuse or domestic violence.


5. Find a mate with whom you are excited to grow and change. People are not stationary beings, so if you want your partner to remain the same, then you are probably with the wrong guy. Hopefully, you are excited about him moving forward and developing in different ways. Expect progress, and most importantly be prepared to enjoy the ride!